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New, Lighter Gates at ER, But Whatever For?

by Yori Yanover

As promised, if a bit late, the East River Housing parks have received their new, lightweight gates which, though as imposing as before, are no match even to a senior citizen yearning to pound the pavement. This is a huge improvement over the previous gates which could easily stand up to a battering ram, should a medieval army would fancy conquering our lovely parks (they are particularly beautiful these sun-drenched fall morning).

But the big question has yet to be answered, namely, why do we need these suckers in the first place? If you’ll note the laughably short fence right next to the full-force gate, it will present no challenge at all to a determined terrorist, especially one willing to give up his life in the service of his god. I would venture that the threat of tearing his pants leaping over our fence will not deter those truly hardened enemy. As to the more feeble hearted – what would they be looking for in our parks in the first place?

When we asked, ER manager Harold Jacobs told us having the gates in place cuts down our insurance cost (not clear by how much) and stops drug smoking teenagers from invading the parks at night. He also stated that the guard who sits in the booth north of Grand Street can spot the drug fiends who might climb the short fence. Perhaps. We should probably caution our altered-consciousness crowd that the ugly gates liable to give them bad trips…


Anonymous Anonymous said...

the er manager is harold jacobs, not "howard jacob"

10/16/2006 9:34 AM  
Blogger Yori Yanover said...

Thanks... Pheew... Publishing early in the AM...

10/16/2006 10:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the only people i've seen stepping over the short fence are orthodox men who don't have their key handy on shabbos.

10/16/2006 2:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Only people over the age of about 70 couldn't easily step over the fence. So it's clear that the dangerous intruders being prevented entry to the parks are those irascible elderly.

10/17/2006 10:11 PM  

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