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The Other Side of Blue

by Yori Yanover


If you look at the nearly-complete Blue building from its Suffolk Street side, you start realizing the multitude of problems its new millionaire tenants will be facing practically on day one. Parking would be a major issue. Where are they going to leave their Benzes and Beamers and Jags? Is there a parking basement under the building? There’ll have to be, because, frankly, if I was a millionaire coming to live among the muck and garbage of Delancey and Suffolk, I’d be demanding a nice, secure basement with a minimum of 60 parking spaces (although many millionaires are known to own two and more vehicles, not to mention horses, yachts, private jets and golf carts).


It’s going to be hard to be a millionaire on Delancey, living in Blue, shopping at the Essex Market (whose hours have been recently extended, by the way, very likely with Blue shoppers in mind). If I were a Blue residing millionaire, I’d be demanding exceptionally burley doormen, preferably armed. I’d want retina scanners and explosives detectors and security cameras in every room. If I’m taking a shower and it’s shampoo time, I cannot be expected to be able to spot a potential attacker with all that lather obscuring my vision. So I would insist on my showers being supervised by combat experts.


Hopefully, by the time the first smattering of millionaires settle in their new homes, the city will have overcome the problem of the newly burgeoning homeless population in Lower Manhattan. If not, an arrangement must be found to obscure these unsightly men and women from the local rich. This will be anew thing for us down here, because we haven’t really had such concentrations of very rich folks until now. We had a few, but they hid their wealth inside the Soviet-style co-op apartments they shared with the rest of us. Sure, they may own three, four, even seven apartments, but they’re all the same straight angled, serviceable, unimaginative spaces all the rest of us are living in. Now we have rich folks who flaunt their wealth through the very dwelling they’ve picked for themselves. The homeless will probably flock to them like flies to compost. Where are Mayors Koch and Giuliani when you need them…?


22 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

sad commentary, really. do you think all people who will live in this building are born with a silver spoon in their mouths? whether they are or aren't, is a better solution to barricade off a section of the city for them to live and propel a classist society? your post is suggestively gruesome, unless of course you are classifying this rant as some sort of public service announcement to forewarn these residents of their deserved beatings. yeah, that must be it. your a good person.
by the way, was it an orphanage or a veteran's hospice they tore down to build blue? rat bastards...

10/24/2006 7:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with above. I'm as progressive as they come and no millionaire, but this rant by Yori is pure bile. Your life must be really rotten for you to hate people this much. I suggest therapy.

10/24/2006 8:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yori Yanover,

Go back to school. You definitely need it. Or better yet, go back to Israel you spoon fed, hate monger, born loser.

10/24/2006 8:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Blue tenants aren't happy with you, Yori...

10/24/2006 9:06 PM  
Blogger Yori Yanover said...

My goodnessw, someone is in need of a sense of humor pill... Did I touch a nerve or what? This is great!

To remind you, the original modest proposal was made by Jonathan Swift, who suggested the English eat Irish children, after having impoverished their island in all other possible ways. It's tough to out-propose the old dean. But if I managed to piss off at least one bone fide Blue resident - my job is done.

10/24/2006 9:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yori, hiding behind "I was just kidding" is a completely cowardly thing to do. Admit it...you meant every angry word.

10/24/2006 9:37 PM  
Blogger Yori Yanover said...

I completely admit it, I completelly meant every word of it, but there's a huge couple of differences between you and me:

1. I have a name, you hide.

2. I think what I wrote is pretty funny, in a painful sort of way. You -- or the other anonymous person, you all look so much alike -- are doing this deadpan. That's scary.

10/24/2006 9:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pure Genius Yori!

Comments on Loho10002 posts before today: Zero

Make a "controversial" post about Curbed.com's favorite local developement so they'll notice it and link to it and Shazam!: 7, now 8 comments.

Rest well, Yori...You have earned your pay today...

10/24/2006 11:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yori,

My identity doesn't matter because we're talking about you and your commentary.

That said, I have no interest in Blue. I am a renter in the east village.

The anger you offer up is really misguided. Developments like this take rental/sale pressure off other parts of the city.

your pal,
anonymous

10/25/2006 9:07 AM  
Anonymous mbaldwin said...

Ah, the writer is joking. Lighten up.

10/25/2006 9:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well played. You should also some of the other added perks to be enjoyed by the residents, such as walking proximity to the many chinatown bus lines. $15 gets you to Boston and $12 to Philly.

10/25/2006 9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... add some

10/25/2006 9:28 AM  
Blogger Yori Yanover said...

We should probably clarify at this point the difference between "writing jokingly," which could mean "writing without actually thinking that way," and "writing humorously," which means "he writes what he thinks, but he uses funny language."

In my case, I believe the second option holds. I am seriously offended by the appearance first of the Rivington green monster and then the Delancey blue middle finger.

I believe it was Victor Hugo who said he wished to live on the Eifle Tower, because it was the only place from which you couldn't see the Eifle Tower. In our case you can't win, even if you could afford to reside in either monstrosity, you'll still see the other.

Have these people ever heard of restoration? Used to be gentrification meant you charmed up an existing neighborhood. Now it means our sidewalks are littered with architect droppings and no one has the power to force them to scoop it up and put it where it belongs, where there's considerably less sunshine.

10/25/2006 9:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yori you jealous looser! Hehehe! Now after I read your crappy complaints, I am seriously thinking of $$$ buying a place at Blue!

10/25/2006 9:55 AM  
Anonymous oriduck said...

ok -- this wasn't funny because it wasn't skillful and it was done with some degree of bad faith. to the latter, millionaires long ago came to the lower east side: blue doesn't mark any sort of new presence. i wish i had enough money to live in blue, but reality is that rents in the neighborhood have risen so high that it poses real barriers to entry for much of the population. it's not just blue, it's the whole neighborhood. and finally, your labored portrayal of the neighborhood as dangerous is just downright silly. i remember that exact block ten years ago; i spent some late-night hours there -- anything could happen. now, the biggest problem most people will face is waiting for a spot at schiller's to open up.

10/25/2006 10:11 AM  
Anonymous Vizzini said...

There's plenty of truth to Yori's sarcastic rant. I can just see the Blue People showing up at CB3 meetings complaining about the noise on the street, the proliferation of liquor licenses, and those roving bands of middle school kids. Christ, there goes the neighborhood.

10/25/2006 10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You dont need to be a millionare, you just need 100K for a down payment.

10/25/2006 10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your post was neither compelling, original or, most importantly, funny. You just sound bitter.

10/25/2006 11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'd be willing to bet - as yori hints - that there's actually more money in co-op village than there will be in blue.

10/25/2006 12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

first commentary poster here... not hiding, just don't have a blog account - i'm guessing that many of us who followed the link from curbed don't. does that somehow lessen my opinion? clearly you think it does. for me, you didn't touch a nerve. hating on/envy of the the rich is not an original concept. i'm come from a blue collar family with two-income earning parents, which ultimately became a one-income household when one parent became disabled. i've worked a host of jobs since the age of 12. i understand the value of a dollar and, more importantly, that that doesn't matter inside the four walls of your home as long as there is love, compassion and forgiveness. so live in blue or live in a welfare hotel - i reallly don't judge a person by their address.
as for your suggestion on restoration, i think its great as long as the building is salvagable and is worth the effort. not every building, not even on the LES, is brimming with these qualities - especially those which have been neglected.

10/25/2006 9:20 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

In my humble opinion, the problem with "blue", is that it does not take in the character of the neighborhood at all. It is very tall and shiny, and looks like it belongs in another part of the city. I love the character of the Lower East Side. I love all of the old tenaments. Of course not every neglected building can be saved, but a few more "blues" and the character of the neighborhood will be destroyed.

Gentrification in the West Village, for example, did not (for the most part) take this route, and it is extremely pleasant to stroll down twisting streets full of beautiful brownstones on a nice day. I don't want the Lower East Side to end up looking like Midtown, with no sun, and lots of strange drafts from the tall, shiny buildings.

I would be surprised if the people posting here live in the neighborhood below Houston where this construction is happening.

While I am sure some of the people who end up living in Blue may be wonderful, I am saddened by the developer and architect's choice in structure.

10/26/2006 2:37 AM  
Blogger Yori Yanover said...

God bless you, Kate.

10/26/2006 4:47 AM  

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